Ep 11. When Someone You Love Self-Harms

Liz Buggy: Welcome to Spicy Brain, Phoenix Heart, a space for big hearted humans with beautifully complex minds. I'm Liz Buggy, your Neuro Spicy Guide through the messy, the complex and meaningful moments of being human. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out or a little lost in the noise, you're not alone and you've landed in the right place. Here, we don't rush or fix. We feel, we learn, and we rise. So take a moment, take a breath, and let's begin. The last few episodes have been about self-harm and suicidal ideation. In this episode, we explore what you can do if someone you love self-harms. Please listen to this episode if you feel called to as it may trigger. Hey, if you're here, it probably means you care about someone who's struggling. Maybe you've noticed signs of self harm or they've told you directly. Maybe you just have a feeling that something isn't right. Whatever's brought you here, that is what matters. Because how you respond can make a real difference. Let's start with this. If someone you love is self-harming, your instincts might be to fix it, to stop it, to make it go away as quickly as possible. That instinct comes from care. There's nothing wrong with it, but what they need first up isn't fixing. It's safety, emotional safety. Research referenced by the World Health Organization consistently shows that feeling heard and supported is one of the strongest protective factors against worsening mental health and suicide risk. So before anything else, they need to feel like they can be honest with you without losing you. What you shouldn't do, even if it comes from a place of love, this part is the hardest, but it matters. Try to avoid panicking, even if you feel it internally. demanding that they stop immediately, taking control, like removing everything without discussion. saying things like, why would you do this? You have so much to be grateful for. This is attention seeking. because even the small reactions like these can increase their shame. And shame is often one of the things that keeps the cycle going. Instead, think of your role less of a fixer and more of an anchor. You can say things like, I'm really glad you told me. I'm here. You don't have to go through this alone. Do you want to talk about what it feels like when it gets intense? Simple, open, not overwhelming. And then listen. Listen not to respond, but to understand. Often self-harm isn't about wanting to be hurt. It's about trying to cope with something that feels unimaginable. Understanding this behavior. can be difficult, but it might help you to remember this. Self-harm is often a way to regulate emotions. Studies published through institutions like the National Institutes of Health have shown that it can temporarily reduce emotional intensity by triggering the release of endorphins. So when you ask someone to stop, You're not just asking them to a behaviour. You're asking them to give up something that in their experience works, at least in that moment. That's why replacement rather than removal is key. Offer support without controlling the situation. You can gently explore alternatives together. For example, would it help to try something else when it gets intense? Do you me to sit with you through this? Is there something that feels even slightly safer? The important part is you're offering, you're not forcing. Control can increase distress and that's why they need more agency, not less. When to seek extra help. At times, this can fall outside the support that you can give. And outside support really does matter. If the self harm is becoming more frequent or severe, there are signs of suicidal intent, not just self harm for coping, or that you feel out of your depth. It's okay to bring in help. This might look like a GP. a psychologist, a crisis support line. For example, in Australia, services like Lifeline, 131114 are available 24-7 for support. Getting support isn't value, it's expanding the circle of care. Caring for yourself too is an important thing, and sometimes you overlook it. Supporting someone through this can be heavy. You may take on more than what you can cope with. You often feel scared, helpless, responsible. You're allowed to have these feelings and they are valid. You're allowed to support your own needs too. Caring for them shouldn't come at a cost of losing yourself. If you take one thing from this episode, let it be you don't have to have the perfect words. You don't have to fix everything. Just staying consistent, calm, and with being there without judgment, that's more powerful than you think. You showing up matters more than you probably know and will ever hear. Taking care of yourself is important as well. Thanks for being here, big hearted human. If something resonated today, let it settle. No pressure, no perfection. You're allowed to move gently to take your time to find your way back to yourself. in your own rhythm. Remember, you're not too much. You're not behind. You're becoming. Until next time, feel everything and rise anyway.