Ep 12. How People Respond When They Are Hurting

Liz Buggy: Welcome to Spicy Brain, Phoenix Heart, a space for big hearted humans with beautifully complex minds. I'm Liz Buggy, your NeuroSpicy Guide, through the messy, the complexities and meaningful moments of being human. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out or a little lost in the noise, you're not alone and you've landed in the right place. Here we don't rush or fix. We feel, we learn and we rise. So take a moment, take a breath and let's begin. Today's episode may trigger some listeners. So listen to this episode if you feel called to. and with discretion. When someone is struggling, especially with self-harm, They don't always respond in ways that we expect. It's not because they don't care, nor because they're difficult, but because they're struggling, they're protecting something within themselves. So if you've ever tried to check in on someone and felt shut out, brushed off, or unsure what to do next, then this episode is for you. Let's walk through a few common ways people may respond and how you can meet them there without pushing them further away. The I'm fine person. the shutdown response. What it looks like. Short answers, avoiding eye contact, changing the subject. I'm fine, it's nothing. Don't worry about it. What's often underneath is they don't feel safe opening up yet. Or they don't have the words. They're afraid of being a burden. How can you respond? You can respond by saying, OK, I hear you. I don't want to push, but I do care about you. If it ever feels easier to talk later, I'm here. No pressure. And why does this work? You're leaving the door open without forcing them through it. And that matters more than you think. the joking it off person, the deflector. What this looks like, humour, sarcasm, turning serious moments into jokes. Yeah, haha, I'm fine. I'm just falling apart. All good. What's often underneath that is discomfort with vulnerability, fear of being seen too clearly. How do you respond to that? I know you're joking, but I also want to check, how are you? How are you actually doing? You don't have to make it lighter for me. Why these options work. You're not shutting down their humor. You're just not letting it carry the whole conversation. the I don't want to talk about it person. This is the boundary response. And what does it look like? Clear resistance. I don't want to get into it. Can we not do this right now? What is underneath this particular response? Often it's overwhelm, fear of losing control if they open up or just simply not being ready. How do you respond to this? You can say things like, okay, that's completely okay. I don't wanna force anything, but I care about you. And if that ever changes, I'm here to listen. And why this works? You're respecting their boundary without withdrawing your support. That balance builds trust. the emotional flood person, the overwhelm response. What this looks like, they open up and it all comes out at once, crying, spiralling. thoughts that they can't convey. I don't even know where to start. What is often underneath this one is they've been holding it in for a long time. And how do you respond to that? You can respond by saying, hey, it's okay. We don't have to figure everything out right now. I'm here with you. Do you want to take it one piece at a time? You can also ground in optionally by saying, can we just take a breath together for one second? why does this work? You're helping the nervous system settle. You're not trying to solve everything at once. ⁓ there's the minimizer. The others have it worse response. ⁓ looks like ⁓ it's that bad. Other people have real problems. I shouldn't feel like this. ⁓ And what's underneath this is often guilt, feeling undeserving of support, shame. How do you respond to this? You can respond by saying something like, pain isn't a competition. If this is affecting you, it matters. And you don't have to earn support by being worse. Why does this work? You're validating their experience without arguing or dismissing. The honest but afraid person. The quiet truth response. This often looks like admission that something's wrong, but they hold back. Yeah, things have been hard. It's kind of a lot. And what's often underneath this response is they want to open up, but they're testing if it's safe. How can you respond to this? Thank you for telling me that. Do you want to share a little bit more or just sit for now? I'm okay with either. why this option works. You're giving them control over how much they share. That builds safety, that builds trust. Then there's the defensive ⁓ ⁓ looks like irritation, frustration. Why are you asking me this? ⁓ I said, I'm fine. What's often underneath is that they feel exposed, the fear of being judged or misunderstood or confronted. You can respond to this through saying, I'm sorry if that felt intrusive. That wasn't my intention. I care about you. We don't have to talk about it right now. And why does this work? It's because you're deescalating instead of matching their intensity. Here's the truth that doesn't get said enough. How someone responds in that moment isn't the full story of how they feel. It's just the safest way they know how to respond. What's your role in all this? It isn't to break through their defences. It's to gently show them they don't need those defences as much with you. You don't have to get it perfect. You just have to stay present, consistent, calm, without judgment. That is what people will remember. That's what makes it safer to open up the next time. So thanks for being here, big hearted human. If something in today's episode has resonated, let it settle. No pressure, no perfection. You're allowed to move gently, to take your time, to find your way back to yourself in your own rhythm. You're not too much. You're not behind. you're becoming. Until next time, feel everything and rise anyway.