Ep 10. The Quiet Bruises: The Self-Harm we don't Recognise

Liz Buggy: Welcome to Spicy Brain Phoenix Heart, a space for big hearted humans with beautifully complex minds. I'm Liz Buggy, your NeuroSpicy guide through the messy, the complexities and meaningful moments of being human. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out or a little lost in the noise, you're not alone and you've landed in the right place. Here we don't rush or fix. We feel, we learn and we rise. So take a breath and let's begin. Today's episode may trigger some listeners, so please listen to this episode if you feel called to and with discretion. The quiet bruises, the self harm we don't recognise. This is what we will be discussing today. When people hear the words self-harm, most minds automatically go to one image, sharp objects, visible scars, long sleeves hiding the scars. But self-harm is bigger than that, quieter than that. Sometimes it doesn't leave marks anyone can see. And sometimes the person doing it doesn't even realize that's what it is. Today, we're talking about the kinds of self harm that rarely get mentioned and discussed. These are the ones that are socially acceptable, the invisible versions, the neurodivergent shaped versions and coping mechanisms that can slowly become ways of punishing ourselves. A quick note to add before we begin, self harm is not exclusive to neurodivergent individuals. Anyone can experience it. Often neurodivergent individuals, including people with ADHD, autism, OCD, PTSD, sensory processing differences and other conditions may sometimes experience it a higher rate due to emotional overwhelm, shutdown, sensory distress or chronic shame in ways that can influence ⁓ it shows up. This episode isn't about putting people into boxes. It's about widening the lens. So what does count as self harm? Self harm is often defined as intentionally hurting yourself to cope with emotional pain, numbness, overwhelm, self-hatred or distress. But intent matters less than people think. Because not all self harm looks dramatic. Sometimes it can look like staying in relationships that don't work, that keep hurting you because pain feels familiar. Denying yourself food as punishment, Picking at skin until it bleeds during stress spirals, sleep deprivation because you feel you don't deserve it, you don't deserve rest. Forcing yourself through sensory overload until you crash. Repeatedly triggering yourself emotionally. Refusing medical care. Overworking to the point of physical collapse. Drinking recklessly. when emotionally flooded, obsessively revisiting painful memories online, using humiliation as self-discipline. Some forms are active, some are passive, some are so normalised, they get praised. And that's where this conversation gets complicated. Why would someone choose invisible self-harm? A lot of people often ask, if someone's hurting, why not just ask for help? But here's the thing, self-harm usually isn't about attention. More often, it's about regulation, control, release, punishment. or interruption. For some people, emotional pain feels physically trapped in the body. Self-harm can become a way to externalise internal chaos. For others, especially people who grew up invalidated, self-harm can become proof that their pain is real enough. Invisible forms of self harm often emerge because they're easier to justify. If you think about it, if someone cuts themselves, people recognise that as dangerous. But if someone works 18 hours a day, survives on caffeine, never sleeps, ignores their body and calls themselves lazy, every waking moment What does that say? Society might reward them, even if they're slowly destroying themselves. Neurodivergence and hidden self-harm. This is where neurodivergence can shape the picture in specific ways. Not because neurodivergent individuals are more broken, but because many neurodivergent people grow up being told. directly or indirectly that their natural way of existing is wrong. They're too sensitive, they're too loud, they're too emotional, too much, or simply not enough. And over time, some people will internalise the idea, So self-harm not look like a deliberate injury. It may look like chronic self-erasure. For example, an autistic person forcing themselves through overwhelming social environments until they disassociate. Someone with ADHD withholding food, sleep or rest as punishment A person with OCD compulsively engaging in mental rituals that leave them emotionally shredded. Someone repeatedly masking so intensely that they lose touch with who they actually are. more importantly, these behaviors may not begin as self harm, but often as a survival strategy. Adaptions attempting to function but survival strategies can become harmful, especially when pain becomes the requirement for self-worth. the dopamine nobody talks about. There's another layer people rarely discuss. Some forms of self harm can create temporary dopamine hits and neurological relief. Especially during emotional overload, physical pain can interrupt spiralling thoughts, sleep deprivation can create emotional numbness, skin picking or hair pulling. can become regulating through repetition and sensory feedback. Overexercising can flood the body with chemicals that briefly silence internal distress. Even emotional self-sabotage can create predictability. And the brain often chooses what's familiar uncertain vulnerability. That doesn't mean someone wants to suffer. It means that the nervous system has found a shortcut, an expensive shortcut. the most socially accepted self-harm. Here's the uncomfortable part. Some of the most normalised behaviours in modern culture can become forms of self-harm when driven by self-punishment. For example, hustle culture, extreme perfectionism, I'll rest when I earn it. Staying consistently overstimulated to avoid feeling. Weaponising productivity against yourself, starving yourself of joy because you feel undeserving. Doomscrolling things that make you feel worse. Repeatedly exposing yourself to people who degrade you. Sometimes self harm isn't I want to die. Sometimes it's I don't know how to be gentle with myself. And that distinction matters. What healing actually starts with? a lot of recovery conversations focus on stopping behaviours. But usually the behaviour is serving a purpose. So the deeper question becomes, what is this helping me survive? Because if someone removes the coping mechanism without understanding the pain underneath, The nervous system will often just search for another outlet. Healing often begins with recognising. Your pain does not need to become visible to be valid. Punishment is not the same thing as accountability. Endurance is not proof of worth. Rest is not laziness. And coping mechanisms developed for survival are not moral for years. Sometimes people need replacement tools. Sometimes they need sensory regulation. Sometimes trauma therapy. sometimes even medication. Sometimes community. Sometimes simply hearing. You're not dramatic. You're overwhelmed. The hidden of self harm are difficult to talk about because many of them are woven into everyday life. ⁓ ⁓ some people have spent so long surviving, they no longer recognise survival mode as pain, but awareness matters. Not to pathologise every unhealthy habit, not to diagnose strangers online, but to recognise that suffering doesn't always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes the deepest wounds are the ones disguised as discipline. If this episode brought up anything for you, consider reaching out to someone safe, a friend, therapist, support line, or mental health professional. You deserve support before things become unbearable. And you deserve care, even when your pain is invisible. Take care of yourself today in whatever way feels possible. Thank you for being here, big hearted human. If something in today's episode resonated, let it settle. No pressure, no perfection. You're allowed to move gently to take your time to find your way back to yourself in your own rhythm. You're not too much. You're not behind. You're becoming. Until next time, feel everything and rise anyway.