Ep 8. Holding On In The Dark

Liz Buggy: Welcome to Spicy Brain Phoenix Heart, a space for big-hearted humans with beautifully complex minds. I'm Liz Buggy, your Neurospicy guide through the messy, the complexities and the meaningful moments of being human. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or a little lost in the noise, you're not alone. And you've landed in the right place. Here we don't rush or fix we feel, we learn and we rise. So take a moment, take a breath, and let's begin. Hey before we begin, I want to say this clearly. This episode has a trigger warning. This episode contains honest, raw discussion about suicidal ideation, mental health struggles, and emotional distress. So please take care of yourself whilst listening. Pause if you need to. You matter more than finishing this episode. I'm really glad you're here. This episode isn't polished. It's not tied up with a neat bow. It's about something a lot of neurodivergent people experience. And yet often they don't feel safe enough to say it out loud. Suicidal thoughts. They don't always have plans to do it or intent. It's that quiet, persistent thought of I don't know if I can keep doing this. If that's something you've felt whether once, twice or or a hundred times you're not broken. You're responding to something real. When we say neurodivergent, we're talking about people whose brains work differently. ADHD, autism, dyslexia, OCD, and many more. And the world really isn't built for that. It's loud when your brain needs quiet. It's vague when your brain needs clarity. It demands consistency when your energy comes in waves. So what happens? You adapt, you mask, you push through, you perform. Until one day your nervous system says, I can't do this anymore. And that doesn't always show up as a dramatic breakdown. Often it's quieter. It's exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix. Feeling like a burden, feeling too much or not enough at the same time. Thinking people would be better off without you, and that's where suicidal ideation can begin. What is suicidal ideation? Now let's be honest about this. It isn't always about wanting to die. More often than not, it's about wanting relief. Relief from sensory overload, rejection sensitivity, burnout. Chronic misunderstanding. The effort it just takes to exist in spaces that weren't made for you. Often it can sound like I just want everything to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I know I've been there. I'm so tired of being me. That's not weakness. That's a nervous system that is overwhelmed. That's a human being who has carried too much for too long without enough support. Sometimes someone may not even have support. One of the hardest parts of being neurodivergent is masking, pretending you're okay, pretending you understand, pretending things don't hurt as much as they do. The more you mask, the more invisible your struggle becomes. People will often say, but you seem fine, you're doing so well. You don't look like you're struggling. But inside you're thinking, if only they could see how hard this is. That disconnect creates isolation. And isolation is where those darker thoughts grow loud. Because when no one sees your pain, it starts to feel like it doesn't matter, that it doesn't exist, but it does. Here's something important to note. Many neurodivergent people experience suicidal ideation at much higher rates as we've discussed in a previous episode. Not because they're weak, but because they face more misunderstanding, more rejection, more burnout, more pressure to conform. and often less appropriate supports. This isn't a personal failure, it's a systemic one. And yet you're still here. That matters more than you think. If you're listening to this and thinking this is me. I want to talk to you directly. You are not too sensitive, you are not too much. You are not a problem to be solved. Your brain processes the world differently. And yes, that can be incredibly hard. But it also means you feel deeply. You notice things others don't. You care in ways that are intense and real. You feel everything. The world might not always meet you where you're at, but that doesn't mean you deserve not to be here. Let's not pretend that there's a quick fix because there isn't. There are small things that can help create space between you and those thoughts. Start by lowering the bar. Survival counts, that's enough. Reduce input. Less noise, less pressure, less expectation. Find one safe person, not ten, just one. Externalize your thoughts. Write them down, say them. Don't let them stay trapped inside. Name the state I'm overwhelmed, not I'm broken. And if reaching out feels impossible, even staying is something. Even breathing through the next minute is something. Suicidal thoughts feel convincing, they feel logical, they feel final. But they are not fact. They are signals, signals that something needs care, attention, and relief. Not silence, not disappearance. If this episode has brought anything up for you, please don't hold it in alone. If you're in Australia, you can contact Lifeline 13114 or beyond blue one three hundred two two four six. three six. If you're elsewhere, please reach out to your local crisis line or trusted person. You deserve support that understands you, not support that tries to change who you are or fit you into a box. If all you did today was get out of bed and keep going, that's no small feat. That's everything. And I'm really, really glad you're still here. So thanks for being part of this conversation, big hearted human. If something in today's episode has resonated, let it settle. No pressure, no perfection. You're allowed to move gently, to take your time, to find your way back to yourself in your own rhythm. You're not too much. You're not behind. You're becoming. So until next time, feel everything and rise anyway.