Ep 5. You're Not Too Much: Being Misunderstood in a World That Listens Too Little

Liz Buggy: Welcome to Spicy Brain, Phoenix Heart. A space for the big-hearted humans with beautifully complex minds. I'm Liz Buggy, your NeuroSpicy guide through the messy, the complexities and meaningful moments of being human. If you've ever been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or a little lost in the noise, you're not alone. And you've landed in the right place. Here we don't rush or fix. We feel, we learn, and we rise. So take a moment, take a breath, and let's begin. Welcome back. This a space for thoughts ⁓ don't always land. when spoken aloud, the ones that get interrupted, dismissed, or misunderstood entirely. Today's episode is for anyone who has ever walked away from a conversation, replaying it in their head, thinking, that's not what I meant. Why didn't they get it? We're talking about being misunderstood. about being spoken at instead of with, about that subtle or not so subtle tone when they don't understand because your mind works differently. You know the one, that slightly dismissive, patronising, judgmental tone. And occasionally they throw in a little bit of passive aggressiveness in the way that they respond to you. I hear you. The number of times this has happened to me. When it happens, people misunderstand your point of view, your intentions, making assumptions, and it cuts deep. Being misunderstood isn't just about communication, breakdown. For neurodivergent individuals, it replays over and over, looping, causing them to spiral. It's an emotional experience. And often, for most people with neurodivergent tendencies, they struggle with emotional regulation. And therefore, any perceived misunderstanding has a long lasting effect. Neurodivergent's often carry unspoken trauma and emotion. They have learned to adapt a world that doesn't fully understand or accommodate them. And because of this, ⁓ often labeled disruptive, weird, oversensitive, ⁓ as in my case, passive aggressive. When in reality, it wasn't being passive aggressive. I was simply trying to express myself in a world that didn't accommodate me. My alleged passive-aggressiveness was a learned coping mechanism. Because whenever I tried to express myself growing up, people would make me feel like I didn't matter, that I didn't have anything worth saying, I wasn't fully seen, and they didn't listen to what I was saying or tried to understand. And that hurt. It made me feel insignificant and fed into my beliefs around not belonging and that it wasn't safe to be myself. If I had to raise my voice even slightly to get attention, people misunderstood that as being aggressive. All I was trying to do was express in a way that I knew how to communicate because being heard and being seen and understood didn't come easily. What I thought was simple communication often turned into arguments or disagreements. It led to breakdowns. in relationships because they weren't understanding. or allowing time to reflect to see what the true meaning of what I was saying. But here's the thing, even though we're wired differently, we still have emotions. And when we are misunderstood, it cuts deep. And I know this too well. I've often dimmed myself down just to fit in. Someone who I once trusted implicitly hurt me in a way that was unimaginable. They had perceived what I was trying to convey to them as being passive aggressive on a regular basis, openly accusing me of it. This led to massive arguments, disagreements, and eventually a breakdown in communication. Ultimately, we ended up going our separate ways. and was no real closure. So for me, ⁓ kept replaying it over and over. In hindsight, I can see things from both sides. I also see that at the time, this person didn't have the capacity to hold space for me to fully understand my intentions. In respects, their of our differences ⁓ in we communicated just didn't seem to be there the need for my longer processing before conveying my thoughts. This breakdown in this particular relationship really did cut deep and left scars in many ways. Being misunderstood isn't just a communication issue. It's an emotional experience. Research has shown in the field of psychology that humans have a fundamental need to feel seen and understood. This is tied to emotional safety and belonging. When that need isn't met consistently, it often leads to anxiety, withdrawal or self-doubt. Now, layer that in with neurodivergence, whether that's ADHD, autism or other cognitive differences. Where processing looks different, it may look like taking longer to articulate thoughts. jumping between ideas that feel connected but sounds disjointed when they're out loud. being highly detailed or highly abstract. struggling to translate internal clarity into external language. And what often happens is people will interrupt. They simplify what you're saying. Usually they are incorrect with what they're perceiving or they respond with that tone. The one that's slow, slightly patronising, like they've already decided you're wrong, that you're confused. even when you're not. Condescension isn't It's unmistakable. Studies on communication, whether in the workplace ⁓ in relationships, ⁓ shown that perceived condescension can reduce confidence, ⁓ stress responses, ⁓ damage trust. ⁓ when the speaker thinks they are being helpful. Here's the thing, the truth. Condescension isn't just about words. It's about assumed hierarchy. It says, understand better than you. I need to simplify things for you. You're over complicating it. And if you're neurodivergent, you might find you hear that often. Even when you've thought about what you're saying deeply. You've processed it in layers. You've rehearsed it over and over before you even speak it. You're actually seeing nuances. Others are missing. But because your delivery doesn't match their expectation, your intelligence is often misread as confusion. Your tone, passive aggressive. Your argumentative. Now let's let that sink in for a moment. This is where it gets heavy because over time being misunderstood doesn't just external, it turns inwards. ⁓ you start over explaining. rehearsing conversations and perceived outcomes in your mind. you question whether or not your thoughts even make sense. shrinking your ideas before you even speak them. and sometimes you just stop trying. Not because you have nothing to say but because the effort of translating yourself feels overwhelming and exhausting. So you mask, you minimize your creative expression and eventually you hide. You start to lose yourself, your true essence, your voice. For those of you who are unfamiliar with masking, it's when you adjust your communication style to fit what's considered normal or acceptable. And while it can help in certain situations, often long-term masking leads to burnout, identity confusion and emotional fatigue. So when someone responds to your unmasked authentic way of thinking with a dismissive or patronising tone, you take it on board. It doesn't just sting. It reinforces that whole idea that your natural way of being is wrong. Here's something important to note. Different processing doesn't mean less intelligent. Different communication doesn't mean less valid. Neurodivergent thinking often involves pattern recognition, deep focus on specific interests. non-linear connections. heightened sensitivity to detail or meaning. In fact, many innovations within science, technology and the arts have been attributed to people who think differently. The issue isn't the thinking. it's the mismatch between how thoughts are formed and how others expect them to be delivered. Instead of meeting that difference with curiosity, people will often default to correction and this is where misunderstandings occur. They're not asking the questions like, can you explain that another way? They assume you don't know or understand what you're saying. And that's where the gap is. What do do with this? in order to move through it. Firstly, you name it. That feeling when someone talks down to you. That's valid. That frustration when your words don't land. Also valid. Secondly, you resist internalizing it. Just because someone doesn't understand your way of thinking, your way of communicating, it doesn't mean it's wrong. And it doesn't mean your thoughts lack clarity. It's just how you're expressing it. Often it may mean that they lack the patience to fully understand or the flexibility to ask questions or the awareness between the differences in communication. And then finally you find spaces where you don't have to translate yourself constantly. where your way of speaking is met with curiosity instead of correction. Where your pauses aren't rushed, where your thoughts are allowed to unfold naturally and fully. These spaces do exist and they matter far more than you think. So if you've ever been made to feel like you're too much, you're too complicated, you're too sensitive, too hard to follow, Maybe the truth isn't any of that. It's you're not being listened to properly. You're not broken. Your brain isn't wrong. it's just operating on a different frequency in a world that hasn't learned yet how to tune in. And that's not your fault or failure. It's a gap in understanding. To prevent being misunderstood, we need to look at societal norms, make adjustments and allowances. where possible. As human beings, we need to understand that our differences are what makes us unique. And there will always be more than one perspective when it comes to how we see the world and how we communicate. Being mindful of the differences within neurodivergent and neurotypical communication allows the necessary processing time to minimise the effects of being misunderstood. and ultimately reducing the emotional toll that is often associated with being misunderstood. So go easy on yourself. Understand that perspectives will always differ, that your opinion matters. Show yourself kindness and compassion and know that there is a place in the world just for you. Thanks for being here, big hearted human. If something has resonated with you today, let it settle. No pressure, no perfection. You're allowed to move gently to take your time to find your way back to yourself. You're not too much. You're not behind. You're becoming. Until next time, feel everything and rise anyway.